Awful At Everything

I’ve learned all the awesomely explicit Portuguese curse words in preparation for my upcoming Brazilian

Sloths only clap sarcastically.

Either Jane Seymour is blissfully unaware of what a tea bag is or that Kay necklace is the longest celebrity initiated prank in retail history.

It’s been two weeks and no second date planned. Thinking it’s because I said I wasn’t ready to have kids

I go to the gym religiously. So, twice a year. 

I think Drake should have gone with his harder, yet more mature rap name option, LL Murderball James

The proudest day of my life happened this past Saturday when my father lovingly acknowledged I threw shade like a girl.

“We have ornate ceramics in Istanbul, but this porcelain is out of this world. Can I charge it?” - Bald Bull, in a China Shop.

“Kan-Gooooooooooooooooool” - Univision Announcer, describing LL Cool J

“Reach for the stars,” Sheila bitterly muttered to herself as she snatched her sloppily embroidered Cracker Barrel waitress’ apron.

I’m too lazy to change my iPhone signature, so just assume I send everything from my incorrectly monogrammed, hummus stained Hammer pants.

Ever notice how white smoke be all like, “We elected a new Pope!” and black smoke be all like, “Oh no you di’int!”?

“Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh” is easily my favorite Nelly song that doesn’t exist.

“I’m only here to make friends” - Lonely Reality Cloning Gameshow Contestant