February 2012
3 posts
Awful @turning31
So, apparently, Medieval Times isn’t a typeface, but a place where surprise birthday parties and period performance art commit joint suicide.
Awful @lookingtrim
Gwyneth Paltrow’s terrified death face in Contagion is eerily similar to the look I get whenever I take off my InstaSlim in front of a girl.
Awful @burningquestions
Anyone going to Stop, Drop, & Roll Man this year?
January 2012
9 posts
Awful @eatingmywords
Those who thought that “cellar door” represented the perfect and most beautiful combination of words in the English language obviously died before the invention of the “pizza roll.”
Awful @headgames
I’m a bit of a hypochondriac so, when my head starts to tingle after I apply Neutrogena T Gel, my morning shower suddenly becomes an unnerving game “Shampoo or Stroke?”
Awful @rawfacts
I’ll never forget when my father and I had “the talk.” He sat me down and said that the hook to ODB’s “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” is not about his penchant for cookie dough. I was 29.
Awful @pumpingupthejam
I implore everyone to please resist the selfishly impulsive, quasi-hypnotic demands of Technotronic and shake that body for yourselves.
Awful @fittingin
To make it more convenient for the fearless and iron stomached ladies who dare to undress me with their eyes, I wear a custom made girdle that unsnaps in the front.
Awful @goinggreek
Girls appreciate when I tell them I lead a Spartan existence because it lets them know up front that I’m broke AND pretentious.
Awful @bodyimage
After a solid month of eating, I kicked off my post-Holiday workout regimen by staring at my reflection while listening to TLC’s “Unpretty” on repeat. So far, I’ve lost about 12 pounds of water weight in tears.
Awful @knowingmyself
I always eat my feelings, however, right now I’m having a difficult time determining which emotion is an expired Activia cup topped with Bacos flakes.
Awful @beingpersuasive
I always have a difficult time convincing girls that I’m not like most guys. For instance, most guys’ biggest fear is commitment. Mine is having a chance encounter with MTV’s Sway while wearing the same polychromatic and nonsensiscal hat he is.
December 2011
14 posts
Awful @lovingmyself
My mounting self-hatred now involves self-imposed deprivation. For instance, last night I went to bed without dinner and then I pretended to be asleep to get out of masturbating.
Awful @morejewishpopstars
Bris Cross
Foster The Chosen People
Dradele
Ko$ha
Hillil’ Wayne
PassHOVA
Manna Montana
Awful @appetites
I’m a consistently unexcitable person but, if Paula Deen dumps another stick of butter into this gingerbread, I’m going to jizz my purple Forever Lazys.
Awful @lastnames
I just discovered via Ancestry.com that my family had their names changed at Ellis Island. It was just last week as an inspired part of their continued effort to distance themselves from me.
Awful @gettingbackstories
If you really want to know the real Mix-a-Lot, just talk to the people who knew him before the knighting ceremony.
Awful @industrysecrets
The first thing you learn during employee training at the mattress store is, when a female customer reveals her sleep number, always multiply it by 3 for her actual sleep number.
Awful @nationaltreasures
Christmas is my favorite time of year because it serves as a gentle reminder that Nicholas Cage is probably hatching some bat shit crazy hunt for the Baby Jesus’ gold.
Awful @mediation
I just exhaustively talked to the hand and, despite my last-ditch diplomatic efforts, the face still don’t wanna hear it anymo’.
Awful @bittersweetness
The most depressing thing about the December 21, 2012 Mayan doomsday prophecy is that I won’t get to eat the last four pieces of chocolate from my Advent calendar.
Awful @coverups
I don’t know much about pop music so when I heard Ke$ha was going to cover Bob Dylan, I just assumed it would be with body glitter and herpes.
Awful @permanentink
For the first time in 16 years, I saw the maladjusted delinquent who terrorized me in middle school. Predictably, he was flashing an unmistakable and unsettling prison tattoo that says “Alcatraz” in Comic Sans.
Awful @facetime
When I was a boy, sometimes I wished I could turn invisible to avoid talking to my parents. I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you Skype.
Awful @gettingstronger
Whatever doesn’t kill you, just don’t associate with. Because it failed and being seen with failures is social suicide.
Awful @redherrings
When people see me, I hope they’re thinking, “Ya know, I usually hate awkwardly proportioned gingers, but I only fervently dislike this one.”
Awful @carservices
After some serious soul searching, I’ve decided not to celebrate the HondaDays this year. Instead, I will be at a different dealership learning all about the miracle of Hyundaikah.
November 2011
11 posts
Awful @eatinggreens
With all due respect to the Ninja Turtles, my unimpeachable palate detects that a subtle dash of nutmeg is the secret of the Ooze.
Awful @dancerevolutions
When dancing, I add my own unique signature to traditional moves. For instance, my interpretation of the “Shopping Cart” mimics a maniacally territorial hobo biting anyone who gets too close to his recycling stash.
Awful @havingpurpose
If Tumblr didn’t exist, I would have to spend the rest of my life fruitlessly pursuing the perfect bouquet of meaningless ephemeral validation and anonymous kicks to my dick.
Awful @wearinggucci
The inner city youth basketball team I coach lost at the buzzer today. To take their minds off it, I took them all out for ice cream cone facial tattoos.
Awful @beingaG
I don’t think I’ll ever feel as vulnerable as the moment I realized a sucka MC had something on me.
Awful @petnames
To us and Curious George he’s The Man In The Yellow Hat but to everyone in his apartment building he’ll always be known as The Giant Monochromatic Weirdo in 6G with the Paperless Monkey and Shit Caked Walls.
Awful @havingadrive
My 2002 Taurus is really efficient at telling everyone I’m secure about what I haven’t accomplished.
Awful @beingcheesy
I’m not one to cry Affirmative Action but I applied to be the new Domino’s Pizza Tracker and, of course, they hired a grizzled Apache Indian with 58 years of tracking experience.
Awful @realcompanionship
Playing Fantasy Hockey is a great way of telling everyone you let your cat lick the stray Cheeto dust off of your double chin concealing goatee. I guess what I’m trying to say is what should I name my team?
Awful @starvingforattention
The best thing about going as Sexy Ghandi for Halloween was not having to wear glasses. However, that did not compensate for having to peacefully resist candy at every house.
October 2011
4 posts
Awful @gettingthechills
The heat radiator in my bedroom does a dead on impression of a demonic midget randomly clanging two wrenches together within my criminally thin walls.
Awful @tablingdrama
I don’t have a Panic Room, however I do have a Let’s Reason This Shit Out Over Bacon Breakfast Nook.
Awful @squanderingmyinheritance
I can’t shake what my mama gave me. Not because I can’t dance, rather my inferiority complex appears to be permanent.
Awful @beingonthemoney
Despite what the box claims, Ritz Crackers aren’t really rich. They’re just cracker rich.
September 2011
3 posts
Awful @clowningaround
From what I can surmise from measured observation, Juggalo paint is just KISS makeup with Down Syndrome.
Awful @thetuform
According to Rosetta Stone, Spanish speakers unfamiliar with his music are supposed to grammatically refer to him as Ustedpac.
Awful @steadyfooting
I finally realized how broke I am when a pair of Tom’s Shoes addressed to me arrived at my house and I didn’t order them.
August 2011
3 posts
Awful @finepoints
I hate when I’m the first to pass out drunk and I go the entire next morning without realizing a friend has Sharpied “Forehead” on my dick.
Awful @feelingflush
Growing up, my family subscribed to the belief that “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, then you probably have a rare and serious urinary tract infection.”
Awful @beingbelgian
Home is where the heart is, yet the staff at the Route 60 Waffle House adamantly refuses to make me a key.
July 2011
4 posts
Awful @beingwhitehot
I don’t consider myself culturally sensitive, but even I was slightly upset by the all Native American performance troupe that acted in Paleface.
Awful @puppetregimes
So, in Australia, “Sesame Street” is called “Mangy Animal Alley” and the Cookie Monster is known as the “Cerulean Biscuit Creep.”
Awful @beingalil'sad
I don’t like the taste of onions, but I love to cut them. Hence the teardrop tattoo.