January 2011
32 posts
Awful @actinglikeroyalty
I just received an ancestry.com alert notifying me that, if the right nine bitches die, I will be in line to become the next Queen Latifah.
December 2010
51 posts
Awful @holidaycheer
For Christmas this year, my father got me Shape-Ups. Not the shoes, but his trademarked anti-motivational lecture series about how I should get a job and my own fucking apartment.
Even though it will be difficult to re-gift, it is an unequivocal upgrade from last year when he gave me a homemade, air porous, ether-dipped SARS mask.
Awful @puttingoutfire
Vitamin water is what Native Americans drank when they were hungover.
Awful @holidaycheer
For Christmas this year, my father got me Shape-Ups. Not the shoes, but his trademarked anti-motivational lecture series about how I should get a job and my own fucking apartment.
Even though it will be difficult to re-gift, it is an unequivocal upgrade from last year when he gave me a homemade, air pourous, ether-dipped SARS mask.
Awful @businessasusual
My boss once called me into his office to ask why I didn’t attend our mandatory staff meeting. I replied, “I was on a computer monitor … looking at pictures of your kids … while you held a coffee mug and disapprovingly stared at me.” As I cleared out my desk, I decided that would be the first and last time I attempt to Kaiser Soze someone.
Awful @businessasusual
My boss once called me into his office to ask why I didn’t attend our mandatory staff meeting. I replied, “I was on a computer monitor … looking at pictures of your kids … while you held a coffee mug and disapprovingly stared at me.” As I placed my things in a box, I decided that would be the first and last time I attempt to Kaiser Soze someone.
Awful @soberingup
Though not chronicled in the story, based on my own experiences of drinking and openly passing out, Rip Van Winkle probably spent his first three hours awake trying to get his shoes down from a power line with the words “Dick Monger” emblazoned on his forehead.
Awful @soberingup
Though not chronicled in the story, based on my experiences of drinking and openly passing out, Rip Van Winkle probably spent his first three hours awake trying to get his shoes down from a power line with the words “Dick Monger” emblazoned on his forehead.
Awful @surfandturf
Who’s better at drifting, adrenaline seeking Japanese street racers or politically dissident Cubans?
Awful @gettingladylove
“Ya Cool Ha” is either incomprehensible English or a phonetically correct Spanish speaker’s answer to “who sang ‘Mama Said Knock You Out’?”
Awful @grapplinghistory
In early 20th Century Russia, the most popular figure in the tsar outlawed underground wrestling circuit was The Rock Mason, who electrified his socially repressed, working class fan base with his theatrical finishing move, ”The Proletariat’s Forearm.”
Awful @lookingunderthec
On the surface, mermaids are seemingly beautiful and whimsical creatures, however it is difficult not to imagine how badly those rough seashell bras must chafe and, ultimately, deform their nipples.
Awful @gettingresults
Whenever I Google myself, it always generates the question “Did you mean unfounded narcissism?”
Awful @makingsacrifices
Instead of tending to my tomatoes, I am assembling the biggest rock pile in preparation for the FarmVille lottery.
Awful @makingsacrifices
Instead of tending to my tomatoes, I am assembling the biggest rock pile in preparation for the FarmVille lottery.
Awful @breakingbadhabits
I have always maintained that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t get high on their own supply. Admittedly, this is both a result of my incurable propensity to nonseniscally mix idioms and my incorrect assumption that “glass house” is drug slang for a ”live-in meth lab.”
Awful @sweettalk
Hipster Klansmen only put Equal in their coffee.
Awful @paranormalactivity
Ghost Hunting is done in the name of science. Ghost Poaching, however, is all about the sport.
Awful @workingaregister
I knew I blew my Boys Choir of Harlem audition when the conductor told me, “I still can’t decide what you sound like more, an asthmatic donkey being sodomized by Macho Man Randy Savage or Robert Loggia getting a gloveless prostate exam.”
Awful @grapplinghistory
In early 20th Century Russia, the most popular figure in the tsar outlawed underground wrestling circuit was The Rock Mason, who electrified his socially repressed, working class fan base with his theatrical finishing move, ”The Proletariat’s Forearm.”
Awful @harmonizing
A barbershop quartet of camels is a Band of Horses by committee.
Awful @harmonizing
A barbershop quartet of camels is a Band of Horses by committee.
Awful @disappearingacts
When I was 8, I learned about the optical majesty of nautical horizon lines and vanishing points. It proved to be a particularly bittersweet moment in my life because, at the time, I was attending the funeral for Hardrefil the Hearty, the beloved neighborhood Viking.
Awful @disappearingacts
When I was 8, I learned about the optical majesty of nautical horizon lines and vanishing points. It proved to be a particularly bittersweet moment in my life because I was attending the funeral for Hardrefil the Hearty, the beloved neighborhood Viking.
Awful @chewingthefat
Morbidly obese people are chronic masticators.
Awful @vitaminsources
I was unnerved to discover a pedophile recently moved into my neighborhood. When he knocked on my door to make his court mandated introduction, he came bearing a fruit basket teeming with only clementines and plantains. They were disturbingly ripe and delicious.
Awful @foodsources
I was unnerved to discover a pedophile recently moved into my neighborhood. When he knocked on my door to make his court mandated introduction, he came bearing a fruit basket teeming with only clementines and plantains. They were disturbingly ripe and delicious.
Awful @checkinghimself
Last night, I curiously wondered aloud, “would I be watching Ice Cube’s ‘Are We There Yet?’ on TBS right now if N.W.A. followed their first instinct 22 years ago and named their seminal hit ‘Circuitous Route Outta Compton’?” After a few scary minutes of intense contemplation, I just decided to be grateful that “Meet the Browns” finally has the...
Awful @checkinghimself
Last night, I curiously wondered aloud, “would I be watching Ice Cube’s ‘Are We There Yet?’ on TBS right now if N.W.A. followed their first instinct 22 years ago and named their seminal hit ‘Circuitous Route Outta Compton’?” After a few scary minutes of intense contemplation, I just decided to be grateful that “Meet the Browns” finally has the...
Awful @breakingbadhabits
I have always maintained that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t get high on their own supply. Admittedly, this is both a result of my incurable propensity to nonseniscally mix idioms and my incorrect assumption that a glass house is a street euphemism for a meth lab.
Awful @outsidevoices
I would like to openly confront my inner demons but they’re agoraphobic.
Awful@racquetsports
Tennis Elbow is surprisingly more painful than Badminton Dick.
Awful @teachingchoir
Your singing voice sounds like Robert Loggia getting his prostrate checked and you sound like an asthmatic mule getting sodomized by Macho Man Randy Savage.
Awful @sleepingin
Most mattress stores don’t sell bed pans, which is unfortunate if your sleep number is either 1 or 2.
Awful@racquetsports
Tennis Elbow is surprisingly more painful than Badminton Dick.
Awful @chewingthefat
Morbidly obese people are chronic masticators.
Awful @gettingawitness
Plainclothes officers are rarely ever Amish.
Awful @relationshipswithfood
My friend’s vegan girlfriend broke-up with him all because he defiantly ate her spirit animal right in front of her. Though he insisted he’d get her an even better dog, the damage was irrevocable.
Awful@pyramidschemes
Do you think career driven Ancient Egyptians ever pondred, “would this look good on papyrus?”
Awful @beingcuckoo
Whenever I have a free second, I play “Previously Angry But Now Lobotomized Birds” on my smart phone. It is a lot like it’s predecessor, except an abnormally large, institutionalized Native American mute smothers the birds with a pillow before launching them through a plate glass window to freedom.
Awful @worlddomination
A German friend of mine recently challenged me to a friendly game of “Just Take.” Apparently, that’s what his countrymen call “Risk.” Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this until after I had lost control of Australia.
Awful @typecasting
Despite the obnoxious insistence of devoted, yet insufferable fan boys, calling it graphic novel sans only makes it worse.
Awful @peanutstrivia
Snoopy slept above a doghouse-shaped sweatshop of paperless Ukrainian workers who meticulously knit the aviation scarves for his Red Baron battles.
Awful @preciousheirlooms
Do you think Mo’Nique ever re-purposes her Oscar into a “Skinny Bitch Thumpa?”
Awful @flippingtheswitch
Are bulimic death row inmates granted a stay to throw-up their last meal?
Awful @ancientsecretsanta
I often stress over Secret Santa, but then I take a deep breath and remind myself that at least I did not get a ninja. Because the only thing more difficult to find than a ninja, is the perfect gift for him.
Awful @actsofkindness
Last week I helped an old lady cross a dangerous Street.
I felt really proud of myself, until the following morning when I found her badly beaten, half-dead body on my porch with a message attached to her blouse, which read:
“You cross one of us, you cross all of us. You better watch out next time you … well, ya know.
-Street Family Justice”
Awful @dancingaroundthesubject
My friend cleverly came out to his parents by tap dancing “I’m Gay” in morse code. Even if you’re close-minded and vehemently oppose another person’s right to choose who they love, you have to agree, that was courageously redundant of him.
Awful @babyformulas
Four Loko has been labeled by many as liquid crack, which begs the question, is there an incubator strong enough to contain a Four Loko baby? Also, nobody will be able to put Four Loko baby in the corner, because it will already be too busy Trainspotting on the ceiling.
Awful @tvmakeovers
I would watch TLC’s “What Not to Wear” if only it retained its more honest original title: “I Can’t Believe You Wore That You Frumpy Slut”