December 2011
14 posts
Awful @lovingmyself
My mounting self-hatred now involves self-imposed deprivation. For instance, last night I went to bed without dinner and then I pretended to be asleep to get out of masturbating.
Awful @morejewishpopstars
Bris Cross
Foster The Chosen People
Dradele
Ko$ha
Hillil’ Wayne
PassHOVA
Manna Montana
Awful @appetites
I’m a consistently unexcitable person but, if Paula Deen dumps another stick of butter into this gingerbread, I’m going to jizz my purple Forever Lazys.
Awful @lastnames
I just discovered via Ancestry.com that my family had their names changed at Ellis Island. It was just last week as an inspired part of their continued effort to distance themselves from me.
Awful @gettingbackstories
If you really want to know the real Mix-a-Lot, just talk to the people who knew him before the knighting ceremony.
Awful @industrysecrets
The first thing you learn during employee training at the mattress store is, when a female customer reveals her sleep number, always multiply it by 3 for her actual sleep number.
Awful @nationaltreasures
Christmas is my favorite time of year because it serves as a gentle reminder that Nicholas Cage is probably hatching some bat shit crazy hunt for the Baby Jesus’ gold.
Awful @mediation
I just exhaustively talked to the hand and, despite my last-ditch diplomatic efforts, the face still don’t wanna hear it anymo’.
Awful @bittersweetness
The most depressing thing about the December 21, 2012 Mayan doomsday prophecy is that I won’t get to eat the last four pieces of chocolate from my Advent calendar.
Awful @coverups
I don’t know much about pop music so when I heard Ke$ha was going to cover Bob Dylan, I just assumed it would be with body glitter and herpes.
Awful @permanentink
For the first time in 16 years, I saw the maladjusted delinquent who terrorized me in middle school. Predictably, he was flashing an unmistakable and unsettling prison tattoo that says “Alcatraz” in Comic Sans.
Awful @facetime
When I was a boy, sometimes I wished I could turn invisible to avoid talking to my parents. I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you Skype.
Awful @gettingstronger
Whatever doesn’t kill you, just don’t associate with. Because it failed and being seen with failures is social suicide.
Awful @redherrings
When people see me, I hope they’re thinking, “Ya know, I usually hate awkwardly proportioned gingers, but I only fervently dislike this one.”